I have been thinking a lot over these last few weeks. I have been praying a lot. And I also believe I have been hearing from the Lord. There is encouraging stuff. There is hard stuff. All of it is real and all of it is helpful in one sense or another. I have felt compelled to sit at this computer time and time again and write down all my thoughts, but it is as though every time I try my soul is just too tired. The day has been too much. The weight is too heavy.
When people ask me how I am I know there are a million true ways I can respond:
“I am fine. We are blessed. We are healthy and safe and don’t have it nearly as bad as others.”
“I am struggling. I need my alone time. My kids need the rhythm of school. This is hard.”
“I am so sad. The people I love are suffering so much and all I want to do is run to them and hug them and HELP.”
It is all true. It is all how I am doing. How about you? Are your responses all over the map?
But here’s the thing. I think the greatest weight I am feeling today, and perhaps you are as well, is not from a specific circumstance. It isn’t the unexpected homeschooling. It isn’t the fear of going to the grocery store. It isn’t the frustration of people not “faithfully practicing social distancing.” No, for me the greatest weight is ALL OF IT.
It is like there is this blanket of fear, uncertainty, sadness, and just heaviness that is on top of me at all times. Is it on you too?
This blanket is weighted. It makes me walk slower; makes me able to accomplish less; makes me move with much less freedom. As a “doer” who is very task-oriented, this is a weird feeling. It is an uncomfortable feeling. I am not someone who sits down and rests very easily, but that’s what I am doing. When I put the kids in quiet time each afternoon because we ALL need it, I am not getting to the laundry or typing at my computer. I am just falling on the sofa, maybe with a book, maybe not. And I cannot get up.
I share this with you because I have talked to many other people with whom this image resonates. This pandemic has laid a blanket over this country; a blanket over this world. Never in my lifetime have we experienced anything like what we are experiencing today. I do not say this to scare anyone or to send anyone into despair. Rather, I say it to free you to know that if you are feeling the weight YOU ARE NOT ALONE. As I have said time and again, if there was ever a time for grace—for others, but especially for ourselves, it is now.
If you are able to function as you always have, good job! If you are not, welcome to the other 97% of humanity!
In the coming days and perhaps weeks, I plan to share some of the things that may help you find freedom, peace and hope as you feel that weight on your shoulders. These are not “quick fixes” or “easy answers” but I hope that they can help you not be overcome by the blanket. We are in this together friends, and God is indeed in control.
Kajal
abrisbois