I have a document on my desktop entitled “The Year of 40,” because yes, 2020 is the year in which I hit that milestone birthday: 40 years old! I am not typically one who wants to draw attention to myself or who feels that I “deserve” to celebrate or be celebrated. But when I found myself stuck in bed on my 39th birthday waging war against salmonella poisoning, I decided that I wanted 40 to be different. And it wasn’t going to be a day; it was going to be an entire year!
Within this document is a list of ways in which I wanted to celebrate:
- Lead the first official Freed to Soar retreat
- Have a “Desserts and Drinks” party with my local friends
- Spend a week in Tennessee with my mom, by brother and our families
- Go on a Spiritual Pilgrimage to Connecticut and Pennsylvania spending time with some of the wisest people I know, learning how to faithfully and joyfully live into the second half of life
- Become a certified Enneagram coach
I remember the joy and anticipation that flooded my soul when I came up with this list. More than any trip to Europe or cruise around the Caribbean THIS was how I wanted to celebrate this transition year—with the people I loved, becoming more of the person I know God wants me to be. And then the corona virus….
I just pressed the button “Cancel Reservation” for the beautiful VRBO we had rented for the Freed to Soar retreat because we will still be practicing social distancing when it was set to occur. I have held off on buying plane tickets and signing up for classes. Everything is up in the air. Nothing is certain except that my “Year of 40” will include five months at home with my kids. Don’t get me wrong—I love my kids! But this was not on my list.
The other day, my dear friend Heidi posted this on her Facebook page:
I’m feeling ready to grieve some losses. What have we lost due to this quarantine? I’ve lost a lot of control, being with friends, some feelings of security, alone time, cancelled plans/events. I miss my days being different and diverse. I miss lunch with friends and time at the gym. I still have all of my “important things,” and I have some new beautiful things. But we can grieve what we have lost.
You can see why I call Heidi a dear friend. She is someone who speaks the words the world needs to hear. Watching the thread that followed was both beautiful and saddening.
Being thankful for the good things and having hope for the future does not mean we have to be happy and positive all the time. That is just fake. The moment we live in today isn’t happy and positive. It is scary. It is sad. Is God in control? You bet He is! Will good things come out of this? I know they will. BUT… this moment in time hurts. It is full of fear, sadness and loss. And for us to move to the place of hope, to the place of trust, I believe it is an important practice to name and mourn the losses we have endured.
So, here are just a few of the things on my list…
- I mourn the loss of alone time in my house
- I mourn the loss of a retreat I was so excited to lead and the work I believed God wanted to do there
- I mourn the loss of spring break and time with my mom
- I mourn the loss of a calendar under my own control
- I mourn the loss of being with people in fellowship
- I mourn the loss of being able to help my friends and family as they suffer
Some of these things are simpler and seemingly easier to kiss goodbye and move on from. Some of them I know I will be continuing to mourn for a long time. I have a dear friend, who is a nurse, who was exposed to the virus and now is having to live in quarantine in her basement. Her husband is overwhelmed trying to work and take care of their young children. And to make things even harder, her grandfather passed away the other night. This is included in that “loss of being able to help my friends and family as they suffer” category. It is killing me not to be able to help. I am mourning it every single day. It is important for me to accept and acknowledge that.
At no time in these 40 years of life have I been more thankful that God ordained an entire book in the Bible to be titled “Lamentations” or that 150 chapters are devoted to God’s people talking to Him in moments of praise and thankfulness but also in confusion and anguish. God invites us to come with all of it. He just wants us to come. For those out there who just want everyone to “look on the bright side” all the time, please acknowledge that God’s very Word is filled with words of helplessness and despair. There is no hope without the presence of hopelessness. There is no joy without the presence of misery.
I had been reading through the New Testament when the pandemic hit. Each morning I was reading the Epistles, but not really feeling much. So, three days ago, I put my bookmark at 2 Peter to “come back to at a later date.” And then I opened to Psalm 1 and in the course of 3 psalms I felt Spirit run through my veins like I hadn’t in months. And in that moment, I knew I was exactly where I needed to be.
So, my encouragement to you today is two-fold. First, make your own list of losses to mourn. This is just between you and God, so be honest. Mourn the little things; mourn the big things. Mourn the first world privileges; mourn those big things we share in common with all of humanity. Write it, speak it, mourn it. And then, if your time in God’s Word is stale or stagnant, turn to the Psalms. And when you read them, let God direct you to the words that are just for you. And as you read them, as you speak them, let them be the way that your heart connects with God.
God wants us to have hope in this time. He wants us to see what He is up to. But more than anything, now and always, He wants YOU. He wants you to come to Him sincerely. He wants you to come wholeheartedly. He wants you to come completely. So, come to Him today with everything you are and everything you have knowing that is exactly what He wants you to do.