The other day in my blogging group, a member shared a personal story about the toxic relationship she shares with her father and stepmother. According to her, her father has been emotionally, mentally and physically abusive her entire life. Despite this abuse, she moved in next door to him to take care of him and his wife, to pay the bills, to run the errands and do so much more, all while working a full-time job and fighting a custody case for her child.
Despite all that she was doing for him, the abuse continued and intensified. Finally, she felt it was best for her to cut ties and move away. That’s when her stepmother jumped in on her blog and social media platforms and attacked her character in unimaginable ways, to the point of challenging if she was even a Christian. You could feel the pain in her words. At one point she stated that her whole life she struggled under the abuse and it affected every part of her life.
Unfortunately, most of us have relationships like this. Too often we think that there is never a “Christian space” to move in a different direction with these unhealthy relationships. This woman’s post is a great example. From the outside we likely think: “if he is abusing you, you have no business staying there. Get out girl!” But the internal battle is much more complicated. The fact that she is writing for guidance indicates that the chains are still on in some way. She has not been completely set free.
There are two passages in Scripture I believe are often misinterpreted and when read without context or nuance can cause us to question whether we can really biblically leave an unhealthy relationship—especially one with a parent:
“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” (Exodus 20:12)
“But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.” (Matthew 5:39)
I wouldn’t be surprised if these verses were running on spin cycle through this woman’s brain. I wonder if they run on spin cycle through your brain when constantly in conflict with a toxic person in your life? Here are a few thoughts I have gained over the years.
Let’s start with the context of the commandment in Exodus: Honor your father and mother. In biblical times, older parents and widows in particular were completely dependent upon their children, especially their sons. There was no 401K, pension, or social security. Just think of Naomi in the book of Ruth. When her husband and sons all died, she was left dangerously vulnerable. Her return to Bethlehem was really a hail Mary for survival. When we understand this, the commandment becomes far more nuanced.
But what does it look like to honor your parents today? It means loving them. It means praying for them. Sometimes it means taking care of them. Sometimes it means visiting. Sometimes it means financial support. But not always. If you have a parent who is trying to tear you away from Jesus; if you have a parent that consistently refuses to listen to reason; if you have a parent who is abusive, honoring can be reserved to love and prayers. Period.
When Jesus was told in the gospel of Matthew that His mother and brothers were outside wanting to talk to him,
“He replied to him, ‘Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?’ Pointing to his disciples, he said, ‘Here are my mother and my brothers.For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.’” (Matthew 12:48-50 NIV)
Jesus isn’t making a statement about the moral quality of his own family. Nor is he completely upending the fifth commandment. Rather, He is making a statement that following Him, living with a Kingdom mindset, is more important than genetic connections. And so, just as I would say “get out” if you were being abused by a spouse, so I say it here. No one has the right to abuse you. Getting out of an abusive situation is right and it is courageous.
Next, let’s bring ourselves to that second tricky passage that often causes us to believe that we are actually required to remain in physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually abusive situations: “Turn the other cheek.” This whole section of the Sermon on the Mount seems to be encouraging followers of Jesus to endure any hardship at the hands of their oppressors or enemies. And while, we are encouraged to do hard things for the sake of the gospel, and while Jesus Himself willingly accepted horrific abuse at the hands of his executioners, this just does not sound like the message of the Jesus I know. The Jesus I know is all about the underdog; the champion of the oppressed. He stands up for justice, for Truth.
I know it sounds crazy, but I remember the day maybe 17 years ago when someone or maybe even some book completely blew my mind about this passage. I don’t remember who it was or what he or she said, but I distinctly remember coming to this new understanding at the Gates Restaurant in New Canaan, Connecticut. I had spent most of my Christian life believing that these words of Jesus commanded me to live the life of the doormat. But what I read or what someone spoke to me totally upended this understanding.
I couldn’t remember the details, but I remembered that there was something about Jesus’ cultural context that flipped this action from one of submission to one of powerful resistance. So, I went digging. And this is what I found in an article by Leah Watkiss of the Citizens for Public Justice entitled “Defiance not Compliance: Turning the Other Cheek,” writing what she learned from Dr. Walter Wink’s book Jesus and Nonviolence: A Third Way:
“Jesus lived in a right-handed world where left hands were reserved only for unclean tasks. Therefore, we can assume that the person doing the hitting would have used their right hand. The only way to strike someone on the right cheek with your right hand is a backhanded slap. Such a blow connotes an insult, not a fistfight, and was a normal way to reprimand someone over whom you had power…. To strike your equal in such a manner was socially and legally unacceptable, carrying with it a huge fine.
With this new understanding of the context Jesus was speaking in, picture the scenario with yourself as the oppressor. You are a wealthy, powerful person whose slave has displeased you in some way. You reprimand your slave with a backhanded slap. The response you expect is the response you have always received from your slaves – the response you yourself would give if someone higher than you treated you the same way. You expect your slave to cower, submit, and slink away. Instead, your slave defiantly turns their other cheek and challenges you to hit them again. What can you do?
You would like to give your slave another backhanded slap to show them their place, but to do that you would have to use your left hand which would admit that your action is unclean. You could hit them on their left cheek, instead, but it would be embarrassing to hit your slave the way you should hit your equal. You’re confused. You don’t know what to do. Flustered, you could order the slave be flogged, but the slave has already made their point. They have shown you that they are a human person with dignity and worth. You don’t own them, you cannot control them, and they do not submit to your rule.” (https://cpj.ca/defiance-not-compliance-turning-other-cheek July 6, 2014)
Let me say something loud so everyone can hear it:
JUST BECAUSE YOU LOVE SOMEONE DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO BE IN RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM
We are always called to love our friends and our enemies. We are still called to pray for them. But there is a difference between loving someone and being in relationship with them. If someone does something to you that is hurtful, disrespectful or otherwise unkind, seek reconciliation if you can. If there is a clear pattern of hurtfulness, disrespect and unkindness that is where you need to consider moving into a different space with that person.
If you are facing an unhealthy relationship today, here are a few things to remember:
- You need to know that you get to choose who has influence in your life. This world is filled with enough worries and stresses. We don’t need to add to it where it can be helped.
- You need to know that not everyone deserves your headspace. We only have so much time and mental energy. Spend that energy wisely.
- You need people who will affirm what you know to be true. Find the person or people in your life whose values and faith you admire and ask them to remind you what is true, sometimes again and again.
When guilt and legalism are allowed at the steering wheel of your life you will never truly be free. So, I would encourage you to take a look at your life and relationships. Ask where you have listened more to those ugly liars and decide today to make a change. And I promise, all of the people in your life who love you and count on you will thank you for it!