Does anyone else leave a session of newsfeed viewing these days feeling whiplashed? For me, watching all the recent back and forth on social media have been painful. In the months since the Corona virus lock down orders were put into place, the divisions that have always existed in this country just seem to be more palpable and pronounced that ever.
- “The country is opening up too soon!”
- “The economy will never recover if we are forced to stay home any longer!”
- “If people don’t wear masks in public, we will surely have a second wave, way worse than the first!”
- “The CDC is cooking the books. The numbers are inaccurate. This is all just a conspiracy crafted by the Radical Left!”
And unfortunately, this same kind of division is rearing its ugly head in the conversation over what is happening in our country in response to racial unrest. It’s as though the two sides are shouting at each other about totally different things and no one is really listening to anyone else. Even well-meaning words are launched with extreme levels of judgment and hate from both sides. People who are saying very rational, very wise things are simply dismissed because of something unrelated that their “listener” thinks they are implying or by something they appear to be “leaving out.”
I think a big part of our current problem is the fact that our present-day national situation is forcing a conversation that happens best face-to-face into a virtual environment. When it comes to talking about such a personal, painful experience and reality nothing is better than sitting around a table with people who are different from you with a deep commitment to truly listen to one another. In this environment we can read body language, we can ask for clarification, we can see tears in one’s eyes.
When we are actually sitting with a person, having this conversation, we usually tone down our rhetoric. We don’t throw out verbal memes as weapons. We are generally less bold, less crass. Online it is easy to turn a living breathing, feeling human being into a mere object, viewpoint or platform. In person, that is far less likely to happen. There is no stepping out when things get uncomfortable. We are forced to remain in our discomfort and ask what our discomfort is there to teach us.
But alas, here we are in the midst of a pandemic. And that leaves us with the world of the internet and social media. And as such, I would like to humbly offer some advice as we move deeper into this discussion both here, as well as on the various forms of social media where we find ourselves engaging in the conversation.
Let’s presume good will and good intentions
Can we agree on one thing? No one is engaging in a conversation about race because it is comfortable. In fact, I would say that starting or participating in a inter-racial discussion about race is one of the scariest things we could possibly do. It is awkward. It is journeying into the unknown without any map. We are afraid to mess up because we know the relational cost is high. So, if someone is truly coming into the conversation, we have to believe it is because they feel it is necessary and important. We have to assume it is because their intentions are good. As I continue to write and as I share my journey, I would ask you to trust that my heart is in the right place.
Similarly, when people post vulnerably on social media, I would encourage you to not jump to conclusions or shut them down immediately. Instead, take a minute. Sit. Breathe. Ask God to give you the grace to see their hearts. Try to imagine the good place they are coming from. And if they are just cursing and posting ignorant or hurtful things, just block them, or snooze them for 30 days if you are feeling particularly generous.
Let’s seek to listen not to defend or respond, but to understand
In my kid’s school, they participate in the “Leader in me” program, which is based on Sean Covey’s book “Seven Habits of Happy Kids.” Even at 5, my daughter could recite the 7 habits, the 5th of which speaks strongly to this topic: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” What would our world look like if we really listened like this? How would our conversations change if we really sought to understand a person’s perspective before chiming in with our own?
For my white friends who are new on this journey, or perhaps haven’t really even decided you want to be on it at all, I would plead with you to listen. And I would implore you to listen aiming to understand a perspective or an experience that is different from your own. If you find yourself reading a sentence and immediately going on the defensive or thinking through ten reasons why the contents are wrong, just stop. Seek to understand.
You do not have to agree with what you read. In fact, you may not buy any of this. And that is ok. But let me tell you something I know about the people who read these posts. You are here because you love Jesus, you love people, you want to experience freedom and/or help others experience it. If you consider yourself a Jesus follower, the Bible says you MUST also be a people lover. What I am sharing here is what I believe is one important piece of the puzzle of what it looks like to “love others as ourselves.” So please, I would ask you to show your love, by listening.
Let’s let the experts be the experts and resist the urge to correct
And when I say this, let me be clear: I am NOT the expert! The experts in this particular conversation are those who live the reality of racism every day. I have said it before, and I say it again here: I will always defer to the experts. So, if you listen to anyone on this subject, please listen to them. And what I have said before one-on-one in private, I say here publicly today: to my friends of color, I need you to feel the freedom and the conviction to call me out if I am off base or trying to run out of my lane. You have 100% permission to call, text or message me anytime if I am saying or doing anything that is not true or helpful in this conversation. I truly am leaning on you as my experts.
And then I have a message to my white friends who are on this journey and feel much of the same passion I myself feel. I know that your passion to “do this right” and “stay in your lane” and “not become a burden or a white savior” will make you sensitive to what I say and how I say it. When a red flag goes up, it makes you feel the need to speak up both here and elsewhere in the virtual world. I get that and I appreciate that. We need to be careful. We need to be sensitive.
However, we do not have a perfect road map here. We don’t want to mess up, but we also don’t want to remain silent. We don’t want to ask our friends of color every time we aren’t sure about something, because their job right now is not to hold our hand with every step. I may not say everything you think I should say. I may not say everything in the way you think I should say it. I may say some things you don’t think I should say. All these things are bound to happen. It’s part of stepping out without a map.
What I need from you, and what I think others need from you as well, is to resist the urge to correct. I read so much stuff on social media that literally makes me want to throw up. Negative stuff. Hurtful stuff. But I know that adding my thoughts only adds fuel to the fire and negatively impacts the conversation and the relationship. If I feel particularly convicted, I will send a text or message or call that person and share my concerns. But I do my best to keep that between the two of us.
So, if you object to something I say or something someone else says in the virtual realm, especially knowing that the intentions are good, here is what I would ask. I would ask you to pray. I believe that prayer is effective, and God will convict me and all believers through the power of prayer. Trust me, to do this, I am spending LOTS of time in His Presence. And I am confident that is there is an agreement of the Spirit to what you are praying, the Spirit will convict me as well.
Let’s respect the unique places people are on their journey
One of the things I have been given eyes to see in the past weeks is that everyone is at their own unique point on this journey. Some have never even heard of the concept of “systemic racism;” others have been going to protests their entire adult lives. There is nothing “better” about the second person. As long as we are intentionally “on the journey,” that is what matters. God rejoices in a mustard seed of self-reflection, repentance, learning, moving.
Recently, a very good conversation began between a me and a friend on the subject of race. She was really in the beginning phases of her journey and was being moved by the Spirit to move from knowledge to action. But then something I posted Facebook was commented on repeatedly by a very well-intentioned white friend. Her motives were pure, but the language she used seemed harsh. My friend texted me because she had seen this interaction and couldn’t believe it. Her response was: “This is why I am terrified to speak up.”
We, as Christians, need to provide a safe environment for people to walk their journeys. We need to not be shocked by what they say. We need to be ok providing them with milk until they are ready for solid food. We need to be patient. We need to be loving. We need to rejoice in epiphanies and in movements. We need to offer abundant grace when fear or anger sets them back. This is how God walks with us every day. He does not expect us to be perfected on this side of Heaven. He is patient. He is kind. He is gracious. Let’s be like Him.
“The words of the wicked lie in wait for blood, but the speech of the upright rescues them.” (Proverbs 12:6 NIV)